I Guess Mommies Need to be Healthy Too, Right?

Today has been all about taking care of me, which rarely happens around here. I usually put my own health off until I'm so sick that I can't move. I suppose you could say that's acceptable considering I have two kids to chase after and keep organized, buuuut, it's really not acceptable.

So, after a long weekend of taking Liv to the Dr and then to the hospital's triage for a persistent Asthma issue, today was my turn. I know this is my blog about living with food allergies and our struggles, but really, this is a HUGE struggle for me. I never know when to say "enough" and make my own health a priority...that's about to change. I've made a commitment, not just to myself, but also to my children that I will be sure to be in the best health possible - in order to give them the best version of me that I can.

My journey started today, with a full on physical (I know you're jealous!) and well, it's going to be a bumpy ride as I have some serious changes to make - my sleep and eating habits are the first on the chopping block (ugh!!). I'd love to know how many other mom's like me (to sick kiddos and healthy alike), just don't put the effort into ourselves as we should be. I wonder how many mother's (again, to sick or healthy kiddos) like me, have found they've developed a serious case of anxiety.


Guess it's time to cut back a bit on this.....


And time to eat a bit more like this!

My anxiety levels are hit or miss, from the everyday worries of all the random things that "COULD" happen, all the way to the all out panic attack. If you've ever had a panic attack, you know what kind of stress that brings on. Yes, I've been in ER's a few times *swearing* to all that is good, that I'm having a heart attack. My heart is racing, my skin is clammy, pressure in my chest, hard to breathe, almost blacking out and just clawing to get outside to fresh air. It is the craziest thing I can ever imagine going through...I guess, literally (ha!). As soon as the Dr's get you calmed enough to tell you that your vitals are perfect, you're oxygen is just fine...if you're me, you laugh and just feel plain stupid.

In reality this isn't stupid at all, and it's very real for some of us. Today, it was real enough that my Dr did put me on daily medication for this. I begged her not to, but she really wants to try the lowest dose and see how I feel in a month. If I don't like it, she'll never bug me again...okay, that was a fair enough deal and now...I guess I'm officially one of the millions of people on this stuff. I'm bothered by this, and yet, I'm excited. I feel like I might have a "mental freedom" coming my way. I know that I'll never be worry free, especially when it comes to my children, but wow...to find myself again - just an amazing opportunity! I guess we'll all have to stay tuned for a month or so to see the outcome of this new journey!


**Yes, sometimes I probably share too much about myself, but in the spirit of being transparent about our life (struggles, blessings, day to day and all), I've promised I'd share it all....**

Sometimes My Patience Does Run Thin......

If you know me on a personal level, you know that I'm often inappropriate, but probably rarely to a stranger. I have no care in the world for being "PC" because I have common sense and believe that means I should have common courtesy. I believe that when one practices common courtesy they should not run into a situation that isn't exactly "PC". I could be way off here and quite a bit more inappropriate than I give myself credit for - who knows.


What? This is me taking life seriously, ha!

What I do know is that there are several things that are said to me (yep, repeatedly enough that I have a collection of them), that I am just over. Here is my smallish (maybe? It's growing by the day you know) list of things that continue to spike my blood pressure for a small moment in time.

"Oh, the *poor* girl/*you* poor child." (do NOT say this to my child directly, ever...unless you prefer that I shred your words and hand them back to you...).

(Start with sad looking face) "Wow, Billie - she looks just awful." Wow, okay...thank you - I think? I don't know if it's validation folks want to give or what...but they should keep that, seriously.

"So, what do you *feed* her exactly? I mean, can she even eat anything?" Well, as most children do, she *does* in fact eat and a ton at that.

"The girl should probably be in a bubble." You know what...screw you (forgive me, I'm vulgar at times and that was mild).

"I just don't know how you do it, you're supermom." This doesn't bother me, so much as baffles me. I never know just how to reply to it. My lack of general sense of emotion with others might be my own issue here though. I just feel I do what any mother or parent would do in my situation...face it head on and go with it. Right?

"Miss, the 'sick waiting room' is over there...." Yep, this was just last week as a matter of fact, mid reaction. If only my filter on my mouth didn't work so well. I talk a big game, but at the end of the day, I just quietly mess with people...I just smiled at her and continued to sit where we were, she got uncomfortable, apparently and moved. Meh, whatever.

"Oh she'll grow out of it, I had a cousin with a [insert any random allergy here] and she/he got rid of it." What? Are you kidding me with this? What could I possibly do with this? This does not give one hope, it makes us feel that You. So. Do. Not. Get. It. You should just move on and go about your business at this point. In all honesty, don't you think we know this is possible and probably know the possibility of our own child outgrowing their allergies? Most of us are not in this blindly (I would HOPE).

Now, back to me not worrying about being "PC"...if I know you and you've said any of these things to me, I've probably corrected/steered the conversation. Chances are, I'm not offended either, honestly. It's the stranger aspect that kills me. I have never understood the random stranger offering unsolicited and *uneducated* advice and/or sympathy.

Well, I'm tired and have a Dr appt to get Liv to tomorrow. Oh, you didn't think that because it's a weekend that we get breaks from these things, did ya?

Goodnight and as always, thanks for letting me rant/vent/ramble or whatever else this can be classified as doing.

1.5 Years? That is a Lifetime in the Blog World, I know!

It's 7:00 AM and I'm looking at Liv's meds all lined up nice and neat on the counter. Each med is in it's correct dose and just waiting for her to finish her breakfast. If you don't already know this by now, living in an allergic world means living in a super controlled and organized world (neither are traits that I have a handle on...at all). Living in an allergic world means upping Liv's Probiotic intake during times of high med days. It means learning what Probiotics *are* and what they *do* in the first place. There's plenty more of these fun little nuances, but I'll get to those...and I mean it this time - I actually will!

Now, that was a small blurb and I know what some of you are thinking, where the heck do you get off starting up again like you never left us?! I know! A year and a half is a lifetime in the blog world, I get it. So much has gone on and so many things have happened that I need to share. Liv's trials have, unfortunately, not ended and we are still striving to make each and every day a good and uneventful one! Most of you keep up with me personally on Facebook and thank goodness for that! You know the big stories, but I probably haven't given too much of a look inside and I'll take care of that here. I did plan on making this blog about living with the challenges that we do, as a single parent, but truth be told...single, married or heck - village, this life is hard and not much makes it easier. So, here you have me again, just sharing, spilling and rambling on again.


The most recent picture of the kids together.

There aren't a lot of loose ends to tie together on the most recent (yeah, a freaking year and a half ago, recent...ha) post, so I won't bother with the small details. I will say the only part that is really missing, is the part about one of Liv's nurses completely that Liv was having a rebound reaction up on the patient floor. The lesson learned is to BE YOUR CHILD'S BEST ADVOCATE - you are all they have fighting for them at times and they need you to buck up and SPEAK UP sometimes - even when you're unsure of yourself and what you're doing.

I'm going to be organizing some thoughts this evening and will get some posts put together to add here and get things caught up. Thanks for bearing with me, all!

In a Split Second, The World Can Crash Down On Us.....Part Two

Somewhere in the midst of all that happened, I also got a phone call that the teacher had stuck herself on accident as she was sticking Liv with the Epi Pen. So as I sat there with a now calm Liv, I was worried sick about her teacher too. They informed me that the she (the teacher) was also en route to the same hospital that we were in. For that, I was extremely thankful, then I could not only check in on her, I could thank her. You see, the teacher, we'll call her K, played a HUGE role in everything going as smoothly as it did. She was quick to call me and not second guess that something was wrong, after all, she knows Liv's features and characteristics almost as well as I do. She knew right away that this reaction was progressing beyond anything she'd ever seen and acted, quickly. K not only called me right away, but she was calm (for my sake and for Liv's), controlled and ready for whatever she needed to do. She did so much more than I think I could really ever expect one person to do, and yet because of her, I DO expect Liv's teachers and caregivers this year to be on the same level that K was. Everything from her calling me right away, not hesitating to call 911 all the way to texting a picture to me was brilliant.

So, back to our stay in the ER. After an hour of sitting in her room, Liv seemed to calm even more. Something still was not right though, we weren't out of the woods yet. I couldn't see it (yet), but something was still brewing. I've never had that feeling of impending doom before, maybe I was crazy and just worked up because of the events leading up to this moment. THEN again, maybe I know my child and I knew something was just not right. I was not crazy, over worked or insane, Liv started tearing at her face and before I knew it she was red and puffing up all over again. Crap. THEN the lip chewing began all over. I called the nurse in, you could see on her face that she was not comfortable with this situation. The Dr. showed up right after the nurse walked in, he took one look at Liv and ordered ANOTHER dose of the Epi and Benadryl. I've heard of these recurring reactions, but never seen one in Liv before. What in the WORLD did she get into?! THAT was the million dollar question of the day, that's for sure. Again, Liv responded to the treatment and I was told it was going to be a long day for us. Typically they will watch a child for approximately 4 hours after being given Epi. We were going to be there well into the night and maybe longer. I accepted my fate and called my parents. My mom decided I needed a break, or just some company and came to visit us. Bless her, she brought all the ER necessities that I didn't have time to grab (other than her ER bag I keep in the trunk of my car).

Another hour had passed and Liv had napped...only to wake up flushed, feeling all around bad and....puffy. Great. I called the Dr (by now he gave me the number to his cell and hospital pager, NICE), he showed up pretty quickly and again the same orders for meds were given. I felt like I was in some crazy recurring nightmare.

The Dr and I came together to discuss what should happen as far as keeping Liv for observation or actually admitting her. We both decided admitting her was the best choice for the circumstance.

Two hours later we were being wheeled upstairs to begin what would be a 3 day stay.

There is still more to come on this post, but I will put that into another entry as well. I like to divide these stories into chapters, I promise to pull all the chapters together in the end. I will do this from time to time as you can see,this is just how I recall the stories in my mind.

On a side note, I'd like to take a moment here to mention another element of this situation. An outside, but incredibly important element, prayer (outside of my own quick prayer at the beginning). Do you remember prayer circles/chains, where you would call the first person on the list and they would in turn call the next, so on and so forth? Well, we had one of our own that day, but with a modern twist, Facebook. When my mom came, I took a moment to go out to my car and text a status to my Facebook. I was brief in explaining what happened that day, more importantly, I asked for prayer. I can't explain why I take these moments in emergency situations to ask for prayers, but my friends and family have never let me down...so again, I asked for them. I got Liv's ER bag from my trunk and checked the status, in 4 minutes or so, I had a handful of friends let me know they were speaking directly to God for us. All they asked for in return were updates on the situation. I could handle that. By the nights end, there were at least 30 comments from friends/family asking for updates, letting me know they were praying for us and all around being the best support they could be. The thing that amazes me the most about all of that, these friends/family are scattered all over the country and beyond even that. Friends across the pond over in England and even Ireland were thinking of us in these tense moments. Other than my mom, I was physically alone with Liv...physically. In spirit, I had a bevy of friends and family holding my hand and keeping me strong for Liv. I'll never understand what I've done to deserve such good people in my life and I'll never take that for granted.

In a Split Second, The World Can Crash Down On Us.....

You know, it recently occurred to me that I haven't written about Liv's most recent trip to the hospital. I can't believe I've left this story out, it's a whopper!

It was the first week in April. This past April (2010), actually. It all started off like any normal day. Liv was about fully recovered from having the Chicken Pox the week prior. I took her to her daycare where she took off playing right away.

That morning at work, I had to keep my cell phone put away because our VP was coming in for the day (of all the stinking days!). I don't know if it was mommy intuition, but at some point in the morning I felt a frantic need to get to my phone. I pulled it out and turned it on, only to see I had missed about 7 phone calls from Liv's teacher. At this point I was as close to a panic as I get (I don't panic often) and ran off to the restroom to call the teacher back. She stated that Liv was extremely itchy and developing hives on her face, none on her body. In an attempt to stay calm, I just told the teacher to give her Benadryl and keep her talking. Keep her talking because if she is talking comfortably, then she is breathing normally. She agreed and texted a picture of Liv's face so I had a visual on how things were going along.

Not even a full minute later the teacher was calling me back. What I heard next put my brain into a full frenzy..."Billie, when Liv gets breaks out...does she always play with her cheeks...like puff them out?" Before I could answer she told me Liv was playing with her tongue and biting her lips. This is it, I thought...a moment I've always prepared myself for, the moment I said, "Call 911 and give her the Epi....NOW." I heard myself say it, I thought for about 2 seconds before saying it, but it was so surreal. Here I was putting our emergency plans into action and I felt like I was moving in slow motion. I stayed there in the bathroom making sure to run through how to use the epi with the teacher and to call 911 first so they knew she was going to need an ambulance with Epi on board (did you know not all ambulances carry this life saving drug????!!). I told her to call me after giving the shot...I couldn't listen on the phone as she was calling 911 from the other line, more importantly I couldn't listen to my daughter scream when she was being prepped and injected. I am a super hero mom sometimes, this was not one of them.

"It's GO time!" I say that phrase a lot when it's time for something big to happen. As I gathered my wits and left the bathroom, I told my co-worker, "It's GO time, I gotta go..." She knew right away what that meant and locked up my desk for me. I ran by my boss and the VP, told them Liv was being transported to the hospital by ambulance, tossed them my keys and flew out of the door.

What do I do? Who do I call first? What is the quickest way to the hospital...WAIT, WHICH hospital am I racing to?! Oh God.....I feel this is a good time to send up a REALLY quick prayer...please be with my little girl and if you have one to spare, send an angel her way, you know...to let her know I'm on my way and keep her calm? These are just half of the thoughts that I poured through my brain as I jumped in my car and just started driving. I worked about an hour east from our home so I just jumped on the HWY and started driving west. I figured I'd get a call any minute telling me WHERE exactly I was going. There, one problem solved...sort of. THEN I called my ex-husband, no answer. Crap. I called him back, still no answer. Crap again. I called him AGAIN, he is active duty in the Army and I know sometimes he can't answer, I also knew if I called a few times in a row back to back he would get it and FIND a way to pick up the phone. This third time was the charm, he answered. "What's wrong????" I explained the situation...I don't remember word for word what was said, but I remember him asking if I was okay...that was the first time it all hit me, I was driving (at unmentionable speeds) and now I was crying, "no...no, I'm not okay." I remember him talking calmly and telling me I needed to calm down for Liv. I understood what he was saying and in that moment, those were the words I needed to hear. I hung up with him to see if I could find out where Liv was being taken. I called her teacher back only to hear all the sirens when she answered. Talk about a mind numbing moment in time. Once I knew where I was going, I needed to make arrangements for Tai. I called my parents, no answer. CRAP, not AGAIN! I called my mom's work, she wasn't there. Noooo! I called my dad again. No answer. At this point, I was exhausting all of the calm I had left in me. Suddenly it occurred to me to call my parents neighbors (they are close family friends and have been for years) the husband answers, thank goodness! He tells me that he will run over to my parents house and leave a note to call him right away or go over and he would let them know everything. He would also go pick Tai up from my place when the bus dropped him off. Okay, ex called...check, found out which hospital I was racing to...check, a plan in place for Tai...check. All of this took place in such little time, I'm still amazed to think about it.

I was finally at the hospital and RUNNING to the ER. The woman at the desk explained that there was no one with my daughter's name admitted yet. WHAT?!! No, this cannot be right..they told me THIS is where they would be. No sooner than I asked her to check again, she received a phone call. She looked up and put up a finger telling me to hold on a moment. She hangs up to tell me that she can't be certain it's my daughter, but there was a little girl en route that fit the situation I had described to her and they were about to pull up now. I heard the sirens as the ambulance approached. They pulled up and it was like being in a movie, I RAN to the glass and ripped the blinds to the side so I could see if that was MY little girl that was "en route". I swear it took forever (okay, about 30 seconds) to get out and unload her, it was my Liv they were pulling out on a stretcher. I could SEE her, finally with my own eyes...I could SEE her! I turned toward the doors to the area where all the rooms are and readied myself to charge through them...only they didn't open and a rather large male nurse had me in his arms before I could make another step...crap. I still had to wait. Finally she was wheeled by, he checked my ID and ran with behind a growing group of people also following her. We reached the room they would be assigning her to, the crowd of people only seemed to grow when we entered. I had fire rescue introducing themselves along with EMT's in training, Doctors, nurses, people from registration and even a Chaplin...yep, a Chaplin was put in place for Liv's arrival. I would later find out that on the way to the hospital she stopped breathing and was given a second dose of Epi. The crowd waiting for her was because she was in serious trouble and they needed a room that would accommodate whatever needed to be done. They had an intubation kit on the ready as well as a host of other equipment.

Anyway, the crowd thinned, eventually and Liv...what a stellar patient. She was so calm and strong. She answered all the questions they asked her and just handled herself as if she were so much older. I think God sent her the angel I asked for. She was given an IV for her steroids and fluids. Liv was responding to the second dose of Epi and the multiple doses of Benadryl she was given.

There is more to this story, but I think this is going to be one of those multiple part postings, this has been plenty long for now.

I Have Become Socially Awkward and Yet I'm Invited "IN"...

The first week of school for both children has come and gone, all has been perfectly well! Tai, well what is there to say about that kid that hasn't been said? He loves his teacher, is the tallest kid in the school, taller than half of the teachers in his school, for that matter. He has also informed me that the school that he and his sister go to no longer offer peanut butter and jelly sandwiches, but they DO offer SUNBUTTER and jelly sandwiches! How cool is that?!

Liv's teacher has been an absolute angel. Okay, so that's a bit dramatic, but that is how I feel. She has jumped right on board when it comes to caring for my daughter in her class. For instance, the Friday before school started, Liv had some testing to do with the teacher...when we walked in, the room smelled gloriously of Lysol wipes and hand sanitizer. Mrs H (Liv's teacher) seems to be getting the gravity of our situation.

All of the above is great news, however, there is a new level of awkwardness for me now... play-dates. Doh! How did I not see these things coming? We've been invited on two right after school, the first being this Friday. All the mommies will be bringing lunches for the kids and then letting them play at the playground in the park. First off, yay for being invited into the social hierarchy of "mommy play-dates". Secondly, how in the WORLD does one ask all of the mommies to bring lunches NOT consisting of any egg, peanut or tree nuts?! I want nothing more than for my daughter to have the best social interaction that I can give her, but I have no clue how to manage both her allergies AND this new social world.

This might seem trivial to most people, the mommy play-dates, but it's HUGE. I've never really been a part of any play-date groups with Liv. I avoided those things with all that I have because to us, they are dangerous. If not dangerous, just awkward. It's not easy to present Liv's allergies without coming off as a over-protective, paranoid/psycho mother.

Ah, I have no real solutions to this predicament. I suppose for now I will just be thankful for being invited "in". I mean, that's all I can really do, right?

The Little Things That Get You Thinking

So today, I was reading a friends Facebook status and it was about her child's school having some pretty severe dietary guidelines for their lunches. Now, this was not in relation to food allergies, but more of a Food Revolution gone too far type of thing. The thing that most interested me were the comments to this. Not all of the comments as a lot were just about their child being picky and starving throughout the day. There was, however, a comment about a parent being thankful her child's school was not a peanut free school as her son LIVES on PB&J. So, this gets me thinking that Liv's school is not peanut free either and how many other parents just pack up multiple PB&Js for their children? I don't know how I feel about somebody being thankful for a food allergy family's misfortune. I don't want you to take that statement too far though. I don't believe peanut free solves much of anything because not all kids are just allergic to peanuts and if we're going to make a school peanut free, then why not milk free, then egg free, then wheat/gluten free, then soy free or corn free. You see where I'm going with this, peanut free is not the end all be all solution for us. At ANY rate, I was thinking...just HOW many peanut products are floating around these non peanut free schools and HOW would this parent or others like her react IF their school, or heck even just their classroom were to go peanut free?

The next comment read something to the effect that as a parent they should be able to choose whatever food they choose for their child and that they do not need a school system telling them what their child "will and will not eat." So, as a FA mother, I try not to read between the lines of this statement (after all, there might not be anything BETWEEN them). I would hope, that if it came down to it, and her child had a FA child in their classroom that she would react differently. What if she wouldn't though? What if she still wanted to send her choice of peanut/tree nut or egg filled delights for her child? In MY case, Liv's 504 and Civil Rights protect her from this kind of act, but what if? What if a parent of Liv's classmates reacts this way? I like to think that I'm a "big picture" kind of person and realize that my child's restrictions are infringing on the choices of others, but come on...my child's life vs your "choice"? I'm just not sure how I would react to this if approached with it.

All of this said, I have no real conclusion to this post. I'm not sure how I feel about a boat load of peanut or any other toxic foods (they ARE toxic to my child, so that is what I call them) floating around outside of my daughter's safe little bubble that is her Kindergarten room (bathroom is even in the classroom). I know they are floating around in her world outside of school, but I can control and contain that world any way I so choose for her. I. AM. A. CONTROL. FREAK. I don't know how I feel about that parent that will (eventually I will run into at least one) get that "why-does-my-child-have-to-suffer-because-of-your-kids-allergy" mentality, but I will say that my perseverance knows no bounds and my heart is my children. I will say that when it comes to the battle of wills over a child missing out on some probably not-healthy-at-all-treats, I will invite them into my world. I will show them the pictures of my baby during a reaction, I will show them her countless pages of hospital records, I will show them whatever necessary to see that my child DYING trumps their child missing out. I think this safely concludes my rant today, don't you?

*I guess I was in a ranty (YES, I use the word "ranty" even though it's NOT a word, and I love it) kind of mood. Sometimes it's hard living in our world, and sometimes I don't have all the strength it takes to always be tactful. I won't apologize for that, but I will thank you for bearing with me.*