Sometimes You Just Need to Break and Put it All Back Together

I wish that I could say today was a great day, but it wasn't. It wasn't a horrible day, by any stretch either.

It was an early appointment at the allergist with Liv. Our day started at 5:00 am this morning - yuck! Neither Liv or myself were fully prepared for what that time of day feels like. We made the best of the hour drive and tossed in a Junie B Jones book on CD for our rush hour journey.

Nothing exceptional happened at the appointment, Liv saw one of the Dr's that she's seen in the past as well as her own allergist. Liv has had Staph infection in the past, due to her Eczema flaring up, and they were worried that we were going in that direction now. Lots of antibiotics (and I do mean a LOT), more wet wraps prescribed, good chats with the Dr's and nurse and we were on our way.


Oh, antibiotics.....

This past month has just been a tough one in general - it always is tough this time of year, but I'm never quite prepared for how it feels. If you've never had a "sick" child, beyond their health, you are just amazingly blessed. To have to tell person after person that the Dr has no answers as to WHY this is happening is hard. To be questioned by those around you and close to the situation, repeatedly just sucks (for lack of a better term). To have people tell you what "could" be going on, or comparing to what they know or have heard - frustrating (I know these are all said with good intentions). I mean, my Liv goes to the best hospital in the *nation* for respiratory illness and they are top notch for their advancements with allergies and Eczema as well (no really, we've had Dr's from around the *world* sit in on appts because they are learning from the Dr's we see). Now, because of who Liv's Dr's are, people expect them to have all the answers, well answers or "fixes" can't necessarily predict when something is going to go awry. Unfortunately, with my baby girl's health, there is a delicate balance and when one "ball" drops - everything else is just set off course. Her health tends to go off course from December to April of every year. Every year I sit, defeated until I just let it all out and move on. Today, thank goodness, two great friends didn't let me just sweep everything under the carpet - and I vented (*boy* did I vent). Tomorrow is a new day and tomorrow we carry on with this path that we've been put on.

I may sound incredibly down, I'm not, I'm tired. With that, I think it's time to call it a night and turn in - until next time, friends.

My Daughter is a Warrior, She is My Hero.

Today, as I was driving home from work, I was listening to our local radio station, Alice 105.9. I knew that their annual 36 Hours For Kids had kicked off this morning and as usual, I tuned in. I don't ever change my radio from this station during this event. Children's Hospital along with National Jewish are both hospitals that are incredibly amazing and important to our lives! They've seen my Liv through so very much and have been a wonderful source of not only health, but counseling, comforting and that was for me, my Liv AND her brother. They never let us down.

Be a hero and donate HERE, they already have my information permanently on file.

Now, my aside: Today, the DJ's (forgive me for not using names, because I'm not entirely sure which one said what - I think this was a conversation between Slacker and Steve though)were saying, "I'm tired - this is an emotional toll and I don't want to do it anymore. BUT, I think about those folks upstairs and how many times have they NOT wanted to do it anymore??" I can raise my hand and say that there have been months that I have said those very words...daily. They went on to say that the staff are warriors and they are spot on, they are. I have to add that I do believe our *children* are warriors. My Liv is a warrior, every single day and she does it all with the brightest smile that you've ever seen. My daughter is *my* hero. The DJ's also said, "if you have healthy children, please go home and hug them...hug them for me. Hug them because they are healthy and you are just lucky." That is definitely something I can stand behind, if your children are healthy, be so thankful for this and today, hug them with a grateful heart. If you have a food allergic kiddo that is typically a healthy child, hug them and be thankful for that everyday health. My Liv has been struggling in one way or another since December, but this seems pretty typical every year. It's frustrating and I feel like crying daily, I feel like I can't make heads or tails of anything if it's outside of her health. I spend most days trying to focus on Tai, work, myself, my relationships and truth be told - they are all a little bit blurry right now. Last week, Liv missed 3 days of school, per her doctor's orders...this week, she was sent home early on Monday and Tuesday. I can't lie, when they called yesterday, I felt the headache I already had swell into one of those headaches that leaves you crying for mercy. I took a couple of hours to get myself together and let myself feel all sorts of self-pity and then that was it, it all had to be put behind me - in front of me was my smiling Liv. How can I NOT do this daily, when she stands there smiling and taking it all in without a second thought.

How do you turn *this smile* down? I sure can't.

Is There a Convenient Time for All Hell to Break Loose?

There we were starting the day off like any other - except it wasn't like any other...it was a *snow day*. Living in Colorado, we don't often get snow days, but when we're in the middle of a record setting snow storm, we get a snow day. I had so many cool things planned (thank you Pinterest!) for the day, but first breakfast. I asked the kids what they wanted and Liv pointed to the kiwi on the counter. I cut it open and we shared each having half, but Liv was in love and wanted another. It was at this moment that I thought and thought, but could not recall whether or not she'd ever had kiwi before. I didn't ponder that thought for too long as it didn't occur to me to worry about it much.

Can you see where I'm going here and find what I did wrong? For so long even in our crazy food allergic world, we've lived with a false sense of security. This false sense of comfort was because we've known Liv's "List" for so long now that outside of the usual worries, I never stopped to think about a new food being introduced (especially at age 6).

Anyway, back to the story at hand. Liv loved every single thing about this perfectly ripe kiwi and was washing her hands when I noticed some slight reddening of her face - but nothing serious. This moment is when I thought to myself, "CRAP! I just gave my daughter a food that I cannot recall her ever having before....in the middle of a blizzard!!! WHAT was I thinking?!" This thinking had to be pushed aside by rational thought and talking it through with her dad...I mean, Liv has NEVER had any issues of any kind with fruits - ever. How could I have known. Since Liv is also fighting off quite the cold, I called her allergist's triage dept and asked what they thought I should do. Given the fact that Liv was talking, no other symptoms were presenting, they told me to get albuterol in her and stay put (remember...the snow outside was busy breaking a 100 year old record) since we live an hour away. The nurse wanted me to call back 20 minutes after the breathing treatment so I could update them with our situation. Well, it was between that treatment and calling back that Liv started clearing her throat non-stop and telling me that it felt like it was "clogged". Again, I'm wondering how much of this is virus related vs reaction, but send my son for a neighbor to help hold Liv while I administer Epi. As the neighbor ran in (we're talking seconds here) and held Liv, Liv started chewing her lip and letting me know it was stinging - I knew then without a doubt what was going on. Then, for the first time in our food allergic journey, I used my daughter's Epi-Pen on her. As soon as I removed the Epi-Pen from Liv's thigh, I dialed 9-1-1 and was promptly transferred to the WRONG fire dept. I can neither confirm nor deny whether or not my potty mouth was in full effect at this point (unless Liv decides to quote me...) - at any rate, I got to the *right* fire dept and gave our info. They got to use in 5-10 minutes which is amazing if you consider the weather.

I've gotta say, from the moment I gave the Epi until we got on the ambulance and drove off, everything was so clear and textbook. While waiting on the ambulance, I even took the time to call Liv's allergist and update them, texted Liv's dad and second mom, instructed Tai on what to do after we left/made plans with the neighbor for him to go up to her place...it was a really crazy moment of extreme clarity. That clarity went out the window when we started up the first hill and promptly slid to the side of the road, fish-tailed up the rest of the hill, got cut off by cars that were on the road (for God knows why) that couldn't stop, started sliding down another hill...you get the picture. I couldn't sit in back with Liv so there was nothing I could do for her at this point, but I had to stop looking out the window (for fear of a sudden onset of panic), so I decided that updating Facebook from the ambulance was the best distraction. It's funny, the way our brain works in emergencies.

Everything went as it should, as far as the Anaphylaxis - the Epi-Pen turned the reaction around immediately. Once the Epi wore off, all symptoms came back except for the throat closing off (thank goodness!). After two back to back breathing treatments, a dose of oral steroids and a second dose of Benadryl - we just waited and watched. After three hours or so, the ER doctor confirmed that I was okay with leaving and we were released from the ER.


Liv's face after the Epi-Pen was given.


Getting home proved another journey, but we got a ride home, I collected Liv's brother and we went home to a wonderfully uneventful rest of the day. I wish I could say that I got rest last night, alas, I did not. My anxiety levels, I fear, have hit an all new high. I'm sure that has to be normal and even somewhat expected though. Guess I'll just ride it out for the time being and see where this new road leads.

Until next time....be well, be mindful and be ALERT for these food allergic kiddos!

Billie